Futurama One-Liners

Bite my shiny metal ass.

...at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.

...it's what seperates humans and robots from animals and animal robots.

Everybody's a jerk: you, me, this jerk.

Of all the friends I've had, you're the first.

I hate the people that love me, and they hate me.

Me too. I'm filled with a large number of powerful emotions.

You call that an antenna?

...each pound of which weighs over 10,000 pounds.

That'll take forever. What she ought to do is find a nice guy with two eyes and poke one out.

I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner.

In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.

A grim day for robot-kind. But we can always build more killbots.

Now, now, there will be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.

I'm gonna drink 'til I reboot.

What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.

I haven't had time off since I was 21 through 24.

I assure you, I barely know the meaning of the word labor.

I'm a fraud. A poor, lazy, sexy fraud.

You remind me of a young me. Not much younger mind you; perhaps even a couple of years older.

If you so much as glance at another woman I'll be all over Leela like a fly on a pile of very sexy manure.

We'll simply plot a new course for that empty region over there; near that black-ish, hole-ish thing.

And I'd do it again, and perhaps a third time. But that would be it.

Don't talk like that; tragic romances always have a happy ending.

Not everyone turns out like their parents. Look at me: my parents were honest, hard-working people.

I prefer programs of the genre World's Blankiest Blank.

Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air.

You will practice making your bed until you can do it in your sleep.

If we can hit that bull's-eye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

When I'm in command every mission is a suicide mission.

The auxiliary power's out and they spilled my cocktail.

We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees per day for five days unless...

You may feel a slight stinging sensation ...all of you.

Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of it make sure to put them in *after* you cook it.

This'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable!

Yes, if by 'allow' you mean 'force'.

Why can't she just drink herself happy like a normal person?

Bender: 1, Toilet: 0.

Wow, there's a million aliens! I've never seen something so mind-blowing! Ooh, a reception table with muffins!

One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station, and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.

Come, Kif, it's time for us to start our life as civilians. That's an order, soldier!

Here's to us schmoes, working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man.

They're not very heavy, but you don't hear me not complaining.

Let fly the white flag of war.

If I was registered to vote I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on Election Day and dressing like a clown.

The underprivileged get all the breaks.

I'm finally richer than those snooty ATM machines.

Compare your lives to mine and kill yourselves.

Bodies are for hookers and fat people.

Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny.

Ah, nothing like a warm fire and a SuperSoaker of fine cognac.

You must be using an archaic form of pronunciation, like saying 'ask' instead of 'axe'.

Yes, I got the most! I win X-Mas!

X-Mas eve, another pointless day where I accomplished nothing. Ah...

Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering!

Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies... and there would have to be a lot of them.

Alright, bird. You thought you could beat me in a game of wits but you just met your equal.

Finally, I look as pretty as I feel!

Oh dear! They'll be killed on our doorstep... and there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.

It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have a have a big clambake and cook him! Yee-ha!

He's no different from the rest of you organisms, shooting DNA at each other to make babies. I find it offensive.

He's a loser; he's the lobster equivalent of Fry.

Actually, she wasn't really my girlfriend, she just lived nextdoor and never closed her curtains.

No one drove in New York. There was too much traffic.

I'm just glad we hit something, I thought we'd never stop!

If you kill anyone make sure to eat their heart; to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage. Yum yum.

I don't want you to worry about your jobs while you're away. That's why I'm firing you now.

It's funny because it's poisonous!

He's bad news. I regret ever running him over.

I may be against the fur industry, but that won't keep me from skinning you alive; as long as no one wears the skin.

I am shocked! Shocked! Well, not that shocked.

You, sir, have defaced a natural treasure! I insist you restore my buttocks to their former glory.

Computer dating: it's just like pimping except you rarely have to use the term 'upside your head'.

Now, my usual fee is $500. But seeing as how its you, I'll need it all in advance.

She is well-traveled, and I don't mean she travels a lot.

If I ever feel lonely, I'll just look over at this disfiguring scar and think of you.

I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro wrestling; but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.

It's one thing to win a fixed fight; there's dignity in that. But to lose!

After all this time, someone else who has one eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a bb gun.

Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark: oooh, suddenly you've gone too far!

You know, they say you can judge a man by the company he keeps; so here's the professor's oldest friend: a grotesque, stinking lobster!

After fourteen years of graduate school Farnsworth settled into the glamorous life of a scientist. Fast cars, trendy nightspots, beautiful women... the professor designed them all, working out of his tiny one-room apartment.

Everyone, I have a dramatic announcement. Anyone with a weak heart should leave. Goodbye.

I'm sure Bender has just made some cunning remark, but he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message.

I'm as spry as a 140 year old. See? I only broke one ankle.

...Martini-drinking contest with the auto-pilot. I would have won, except we ran out of olives.

Everything that is Bender is right here: his mind, his memories, his in-your-face interface.

There we were in the park when suddenly some old lady says I stole her purse. I chucked the professor at her but she kept coming. So I had to hit her with this purse I found.

Poor Bender. Without his brain he's become all quiet and helpful.

Arrr! The laws of science be a harsh mistress.

This is the best nanosecond of my life! No this one is! No this one!

I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's even treated.

I want you to find him and plug him. Then, unplug him.

Your dear old Mother won't be around forever and just once before I die I'd like to be Supreme Overlord of Earth.

Hey hey! Ho ho! One zero zero one one zero!

In my time we didn't depend on high-tech gadgets like you do. We didn't need a mechanical washing unit to wash our clothes, we just used a washing machine!

...we could use my new invention: a pointy rock on a stick!

...and if that doesn't work I got you a six-pack of champagne and a funnel.

Problem solved. You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser.

They're like sex, except I'm having it.

Great is OK, but amazing would be GREAT!

Yes! I'm going to be rich! You are too, but it's hard to get excited about that.

We will begin with the firemen and the math teachers and so on in that fashion until everyone is eaten.

I wish they'd just wipe out humanity and get it over with. It's the waiting I can't stand.

Put 'er there, pal! ...I meant your wallet.

I came here with the simple dream... a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real 700 billion ton monster here? Not I... Not I...

I can be impulsive... it just takes me a while.

Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion; the "x" makes it sound cool.

That question was less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.

If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability.

Men, you are lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

Whoa, check out that guy! He makes Speedy Gonzalez look like Regular Gonzalez!

He edged out my old mark by 2 seconds. And 16 minutes. And 12 hours.

That young man fills me with hope ...and some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing.

If they put me on a stamp... tell them to use the young Bender.

Scalpel... blood bucket... priest. Next patient!

I hereby order that in Bender's honor he be melted down and made into a statue of himself.

You'll be negotiating with the mysterious brain-balls. They've got a lot of brains and a lot of... chutzpah.

At last, war has made me into a man. Weeeeee!

Hmm, words I never say... Oh, I know: "Thanks"!

Bender, you look awful. I recommend makeup.

Robot porno theatre! I was in that... general... vicinity.

I can't afford to keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it.

You're a thousand years old?! Your bio says you're 27!

I was all of history's greatest acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny!

You didn't hurt me, but you wanted to. That's the important thing.

That probulator really knows how to please a man.

And with Fry gone, I'm free to leave my jigsaw puzzle pieces out without him eating them.

Alright, alright. If it'll make you happy I'll overthrow society.

No fair! You changed the results by measuring it!

Life is hilariously cruel.

What's wrong? Did you swallow another cell phone?

Here's my personal book of pickup lines. Say as many of them as fast as you can. Don't stop for any reason.

It's not uncharted, you lost the chart!

Oh God, you're killing me. OH GOD YOU'RE KILLING ME!

Of all the parasites I've had over the years, these worms are among the best.

I always knew I'd die at the bottom of a pit, but a pit full of tar?

It's toe-tappingly tragic!

Bender's my friend; we can't just dump him in the sewer like Grandma's ashes.

Kudos, Bender! You got mangled and became a singer. Both our dreams came true.

Oh crap! It's a miracle!

Those aren't swan-boats, they're swans.

Just a few... more... hundred... thousand... miles. There.

I guess I could part with one doomsday device and still be feared.

It's funny, you live in the universe but you never do these things until someone comes to visit.

Now you know why I used the qualifier 'practically'.

Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.

You know the worst part about being a slave? They make you work but they don't pay you or let you go.

Now we're slaving!

The cruelty of the old pharoah is a thing of the past! Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land!

People said I was dumb, but I proved them!

You say that those brains are making everyone on Earth stupid. Oh... stupider.

Why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?

I think cosmetic surgery is great! I used to be too cute, but then I had cuteness reduction surgery *here* and *here*.

Don't be such a a chicken, Kif! Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on the ball.

I'm not a robot! I don't like having discs crammed into me; unless they're Oreos. And then, only in the mouth.

Is this angry yelling or busted hearing aid yelling?

If you want children beaten, you've got to do it yourself.

That's so plausible I can't believe it!

Robots don't have any emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad.

You bastard! They treated me like an animal and that's what I became! ...Nah I'm just kidding, good to see ya buddy!

I personalized each of your meals. For example, Amy: you're cute, so I baked you a pony.

Oh my god. I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants!